What about me

I am the type of person who needs time to themselves. Every.Day. When it was just Jeff and I the drive home was good enough. I could turn the radio up loud, sing to my hearts content and let my mind wonder where ever it pleased without interruption. And then they came. And life got really busy. There was no more drive home. Always interruptions. Never time for just me.

And it started.

What about me? When do I get my time? I take care of everyone else but who takes care of me? When is it my turn?

It wasn't that I thought Jeffrey didn't take care of me and the kids. The man works harder than anyone I know. He'll kill me for this but this man, on a consistent basis, goes to work in pain. And I know some of you are think that you do too but I'm talking this man goes with migraines, back and neck pain and feet that he can hardly walk on some mornings. That's the kind of man that I am married too. I know that he takes care of us and I am so grateful. But Satan began whispering these things to me. Things like "I'm not good enough" "No one notices what I do" "I work so hard and for what, it's all messed up again right away" "Why can't I just suck it up and be happy for him" And those thoughts turned to the 'what about me's'. I'm not using that as an excuse but that's how I got there. I began taking more and more time for me and then some more and a little more. Satan didn't make me do that, I chose it on my own. Every time saying to myself that I deserved it but never realize how much time I was spending on me and not the other people in my family.

But I still felt empty and frustrated. I was looking to things and Jeffrey to fulfill me when really I should have had my focus on God to fulfill me. We as humans will always fail, that's just us, flesh. In all my "me time" none of it was spent with the Lord. I had fallen severely away.

I read something recently that helped me to see that I need to look to God to be fulfilled. For the last eight and a half years I have expected Jeffrey to fill my emotional cup and not the Lord. I have always put Jeff before God, realizing it but not really knowing how to make it any different. I wish I could link to the article because she put it so well but I can't find it. In short, none of us have a full cup, that we all need the Lord to fill that cup. And what a crazy thought for me to expect Jeff to fill my cup when his isn't full either. Jeff is my equal partner but not the person I should get my self worth from.

So my point is I wasn't seeking the Lord first. I was looking to get myself worth from my husband, and from being a "good" mom and if I felt accomplished at home when I should have been turning to the bible and prayer. I left the door wide open for Satan to turn my thoughts to me instead of to God.

I'm so frustrated when I read over this. I can't get just what I want to say right. What I am trying to say is if you are doing this stop. There will never be enough "me time" to make you feel fulfilled only Christ can do that for you. Seek Him daily. It's so easy to slip away.